I want to say something that might challenge you at first. No one can upset you without your permission.
I am not saying the feelings are not real. I am not saying they are invalid. They are totally appropriate reactions given whatever underpinning beliefs you have. But here is the thing most people never realize: the upset only happens when you participate.
Someone can say whatever they want to you. They can attack, provoke, try to make you feel small. But whether you choose to have those feelings is entirely up to you. And once you see this, it is genuinely liberating.
The Same Words, Different Worlds
Imagine identical twins working at the same company. A colleague says to both of them: “That presentation was terrible. You clearly have no idea what you are doing.”
One twin, who has built a successful track record and feels grounded in his abilities, hears those words and thinks “this person is having a bad day” or maybe “interesting feedback, I wonder if there is something I missed.” He barely registers it as an attack.
The other twin, who has been struggling with imposter syndrome and questioning whether he belongs in his role, hears those exact same words and feels crushing shame. He spirals. He cannot sleep that night. He starts updating his resume.
The words did not change. The person saying them did not change. What changed was the operating system processing the input.
This is what I mean when I say no one can make you feel anything. They provide the stimulus. You generate the response based on your internal programming.
The Belief Underneath
Here is where it gets interesting. When something upsets you, that upset is actually diagnostic information. It is pointing to an unconscious belief you are running.
Someone criticizes your work in a meeting and you feel defensive, angry, threatened. Instead of reacting, you pause and get curious. You ask yourself: “What would have to be true for me to feel this way?”
The underlying belief might be something like: “If I make any mistakes, I am not good at my job.” Or “If someone criticizes me, people will not like me.” Or “I need everyone to think I am excellent at all times to be safe here.”
Once you see that belief written out clearly, you can ask a different question: Is that actually true?
Does one piece of critical feedback actually mean you are incompetent? Or is that just your Caveman OS trying to protect you from being cast out of the tribe? Is it possible that criticism is just information, and your worth as a person is completely separate from whether this particular presentation landed well?
The Alternative Belief
Here is what most people miss. An equally true belief would be: “Feedback is how I get better. If I genuinely want to be the best version of myself, I would welcome people showing me what I am missing.”
Both beliefs are available to you. One generates defensiveness and shuts down growth. The other generates curiosity and accelerates improvement.
The problem is we are so worried about our image, our status, our position in the hierarchy. All that ancient programming about staying safe in the tribe kicks in and we reject potentially valuable information just to protect our ego.
Not all feedback is good feedback. Some of it is useless or comes from people who do not understand what you are doing. But often there is something valuable in there. And the only thing standing between you and that value is your need to be seen as perfect right now.
The Deeper Work
Do not judge the feelings when they come up. Do not push them away or try to talk yourself out of them. Just observe them with curiosity. Notice them. And then ask: “What belief must be true for this emotion to be present?”
Sometimes the beliefs we find are so deeply held, so fundamental, that we do not even realize we have them. They seem like obvious truths about how the world works. But they never are. They are just inherited programs.
Think about the 1950s man who would feel genuinely devastated if his wife earned more money than him. Not because he was weak, but because his entire belief system said male worth equals being provider.
We have our own unexamined beliefs today that feel like bedrock truth. That your value is tied to your productivity. That success means certain external markers. That fitting in equals safety. That other people’s opinions reveal something true about you.
The Power Is Yours
When you realize this, everything changes. You are not helpless. You are not at the mercy of other people’s words or actions. You have agency.
The bully, the critic, the person trying to make you feel small? They are just providing input. Whether that input generates suffering is entirely dependent on the operating system running inside you.
You can even distance yourself from it by using your own name when you talk to yourself about it. “What does Matt believe that makes this feel like an attack?”
The suffering is not coming from what happened. It is coming from the belief that what happened threatens something essential about you. Change the belief, and the same event becomes just information instead of a threat.
You are running the program. The program is not running you. Once you see that, everything becomes possible.
The next time someone’s words land hard, try this: Pause. Get curious. Ask yourself what belief would have to be true for this to upset you. Write it down. Look at it. Question whether it is actually true, or just programming you inherited without examining it.
If this resonates and you want to go deeper on rewiring the operating systems running your life, follow me on LinkedIn or subscribe to my Substack where I share frameworks for moving from achievement to genuine fulfillment.
