I had one of those long-commute moments today that stopped me in my tracks.
I was reflecting on why I felt so frustrated with certain areas of my life, when it hit me: the word “should” was quietly sabotaging my peace of mind.
You know the word. “Should.” It rolls off our tongues constantly:
- “My career should be further along by now”
- “I should have more followers on social media”
- “My kids should listen to me the first time”
- “This project should be easier”
But here’s what I realized: every time we say “should,” we’re revealing a hidden belief about how we think the world works.
The Should Trap
When you dig beneath any “should” statement, you’ll find an assumption — a rule you’ve created about how things are supposed to go, based on past experience, advice you’ve heard, or simply how you wish things worked.
The problem? These beliefs are often wrong.
And when reality doesn’t match our internal rulebook, we get frustrated. We feel stuck. We suffer.
Think about it: when was the last time you used “should” when things exceeded your expectations? We rarely say, “Wow, that presentation should have gone that well!”
No, “should” is the language of disappointment. It only shows up when our predictions fail.
The Wish vs. Should Mix-Up
Here’s where it gets sneaky. I caught myself doing something even more damaging: confusing “wish” with “should.”
I’d find myself saying, “My content should be reaching more people given how much I’m posting.” But that’s not really true. What I meant was, “I wish my content reached more people.”
By disguising wishes as shoulds, I was setting myself up for double frustration. Not only was I creating false expectations about how social media algorithms work, but I was treating my desires as if they were natural laws.
The Assumption Connection
This led me to another realization: assumptions are just shoulds in disguise.
Every assumption we make is really us saying, “Based on my internal rules, this outcome should happen.” We fill in gaps with our beliefs about how things work, then get surprised when reality has other plans.
The Practice
Now when I catch myself using “should,” I pause and ask:
- What belief is driving this expectation?
- Is this actually how things work, or just how I want them to work?
- Am I confusing a wish with a prediction?
This simple awareness has already started reducing my daily friction with life. Not because things have changed, but because my expectations have become more aligned with reality.
Your Turn
Pay attention to your “shoulds” this week. Notice when they show up. What beliefs are hiding underneath them?
You might be surprised by how much mental energy you’re spending on rules that don’t actually exist.
